deep, Emotions

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Day 302: My Emotions Run Deep

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302/365
March 25, 2010
I'm abandoning my music idea for right now. I may have a few more musically inspired songs here and there if I'm out of ideas or feel truly inspired by a song. But I was really hating the pictures I was creating during the music...and I'll be honest, I'm not a big big fan of this one either.

Lately I've been super bipolar in my mood. Sometimes I'll wake up and feel optimistic and happy while others I wake up depressed...and I just can't seem to shake it off. It's so easy of me to think of all my flaws, all my misfortunes, and all the things I don't have when I should be focusing on the good things in my life that I do have.

I just get so angry at myself and the world. Lately I've been feeling like there's a person inside of me ready to jump out at any second...but I keep holding that person back. I don't know why...sometimes I feel like I'm not even sure HOW to let the person out. I feel held back by the limited resources I have...and then I get angry at myself for being so shallow. Who I am isn't the clothes I wear or the color of my hair or the quality of my pictures...it's whoever is there on the inside. Yet at the same time this person on the inside wants to somehow express itself...and the only way I can do that right now is through photography and clothes and hair...it's so frustrating!

I came to the conclusion I need to write in my diary more. I haven't done it for quite some time and when I kept it up every day I felt so in tune with myself...so me. I didn't feel so lost and alone...

All while recording my life...I'd like to think that some day after I die I will have done something that makes someone interested in my life. The thought of my great grandchild finding my diaries and pictures and actually being interested in what I had to say and who I was is incredible to me...to live past the day I die. But while I so desperately want to be remembered after I die like Mozart or Edgar Allen Poe I have to be honest with myself. I'm nothing special...I'm no virtuoso in anything. Yeah I can crank out mediocre pictures and hold a tune but that's it...there's a huge chance I'm going to die and that will be the end of me...nobody will care.

Wow that sounded a lot more suicidal than I meant it to be lol I swear I'm not suicidal, just meant that when I die, whenever it may be (most likely in my 90s since my genetic make up is to last that long) I fear nobody will care after awhile (like when my immediate family dies off too).

I'm just ranting now...but these are the things that are inside me...and make me just want to cry.

I'm sorry if I come off cold and selfish, I really don't mean to. I just am working on some inner struggles right now...know I really do love and appreciate you all. I'll try to get around to commenting on your pics more...I'm just so exhausted all the time. I'll do better though

TRF: Went to ethics today...talked a LOT about sex and infidelity...that class always puts me in a bad bad mood. It's such a pessimistic way of viewing people and life...it's like, as if being in a LDR wasn't tough enough I'm sitting in a class where the teacher is going on about how 75% of men will have sex with a random woman if she walks up to him and requests it. I'm having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I am a sexual being and we all are...that sex is natural and I shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that I want/have had/will have sex. ...I'm ranting again! gah

santa i want toys, lots of toys, and sex lots of sex, and maybe some, sex toys




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